Ex-girlfriend stands her ground after cheating ex tries to use their shared dog to sneak a visit, realizing it's just a pattern to distract from his past lies: 'I'm so skeptical of him.'

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  • 01
    I (29F) feel terrible and need some perspective here. Today was an emotional day for me, for reasons I won't get into.
  • 02
    My ex (39M) have exchanged a couple emails in the past week, cause I've been weak, but otherwise I have had him blocked from my life for four months now.
  • 03
    I love him so much but after I found out he was cheating on me I just kept catching him in more lies and kept being gaslit about things, only for him to confess to them eventually.
  • 04
    A couple in bed, the woman is sound asleep, the man is scrolling through his phone and looking at the woman, making sure she's asleep.
  • 05
    it was breaking my brain. I had to run from him to save my sanity, we're both still heart broken but its become too toxic.
  • 06
    While we were together we adopted a dog. I love our puppy, I paid for his adoption and consider him ours but there was no question when we broke up who would keep the dog - he lives in the country, I don't.
  • 07
    so the dog is his, but I still call him ours because awh miss him.
  • 08
    A happy dog with his tongue out, enjoying the outside air.
  • 09
    Anyways. My ex knew that today would be hard on me. Just as I got home, I received an email from him saying that he wasn't trying to take advantage of me while I was vulnerable, but that he was about 15 minutes away and would drop off our dog to cheer me up for a couple hours, and that I didn't have to see my ex at all.
  • 10
    He said there was no pressure, that he wanted to go on a drive anyways, and that it was for my well being..
  • 11
    Well, I didn't receive that gesture kindly. I told him no. I told him not to come over because seeing him or even just our dog would be extremely upsetting, not comforting.
  • 12
    I told him that i felt like he was preying on my vulnerability and backing me into a corner where I either need to expose myself to him or be a b , him notifying me only 15 minutes away felt like a mind game move.
  • 13
    For one, he lives 2.5 hours away, he could have told me about his idea a head of time instead of last minute; he knows I hate surprises/last minute plan changes; he knows that while our puppy does make me very happy that seeing our dog or even knowing that my ex is in my town would stir up alot of emotions and heartbreak for me, it's not all comforting; even though he says he could drop him off contactless, I just know we would see each other.
  • 14
    I told him no, that he put me in an uncomfortable position and did so in a way that did feel like it was meant to pressure me into seeing him while I'm in a vulnerable headspace and that he knew how upsetting that reunion would be for me.
  • 15
    He accepted my decline and said that he's not upset about me saying no, and said that it's me who's getting upset.
  • 16
    He apologized and said he was just trying to cheer me up. I assume he has turned around to drive back home now..
  • 17
    I feel so terrible for how I reacted. On the one hand, this is a very sweet and thoughtful gesture and he has always swept me away with just how kind and thoughtful he can be in general and especially when I'm in distress.
  • 18
    I know his heart is breaking too, I know it would've been on some level a really good visit for me and the puppy.
  • 19
    A dog smiling to the camera, standing in a flowery field.
  • 20
    I know this man would move mountains for my well being, but he can't stop cheating and lying and living dual lives for me (even when given a free pass..).
  • 21
    But sometimes his grand gestures, that sound so romantic and sweet on the surface, feel like a way to over compensate for his betrayals or feel like tools to lure me back in his orbit.
  • 22
    When we were together, he would never give me such short notice! even if he was surprising me with a visit, he knew to atleast tell me when he was on his way otherwise the sudden company would take me a while to settle down from.
  • 23
    It's similar to how when we were in round one of trying to fix things, he surprised me with a paid vacation south.
  • 24
    We typically went every year together, but him not asking me or consulting me at all and booking a trip six months in the future during a time that I was discovering alot of lies, felt really manipulative.
  • 25
    I didn't end up on that trip. it feels like another time where he is making plans for me "in my best interest" that aren't actually, but I'm so skeptical of him, idk what's genuinely good anymore.
  • 26
    I get into such a defensive, self preservation mode around him - which does lead me to overreact and have out bursts sometimes, but I really can't tell if I am. seeing this as more threatening than it is.
  • 27
    like is what he did even inappropriate? Or did I just get angry and punish someone doing something nice?
  • 28
    please give me some perspective on Reddit, am i overreacting by accusing him of being manipulative, being upset over his act of kindness and for refusing to meet with him/our dog, even after he traveled so far to do something to comfort me?
  • 29
    A couple is in a fight, the man sitting with his phone, trying to prevent the woman behind him from peeking at the screen.
  • 30
    StrangeArcticles If you're sending mixed signals, it's likely you'll be receiving the same. That is you opening the door he is then trying to walk through, if you do not want him trying, close ed door. If you're "weak" the d one week and determined to move on the next, that means you are not determined at all. So stop it.
  • 31
    Block the email, block the phone number, block the social media. Keep your problems to yourself or share them with literally anyone else. Once you've got your own path figured out, there's no harm trying to be in contact again, but right now, you need to do what you expect of him and back off. All the way, not just when it happens to suit you. YOR, since you are 100% a participant in the back and forth.
  • 32
    Appropriate Aioli363 This situation is hopeless. You won't stop it so you get to keep living it. I'd say good luck but really, you have no place being a part of each other's lives and you won't change it any time soon.
  • 33
    RecentContest9154 He's an ex for a reason. Best to not see him. Let it go and stop debating how you reacted.
  • 34
    Mundane-Run6179 YOR. And you know you're prone to overreacting when it comes to him. Take a moment and think for a bit. I don't think he had any malicious intent. I genuinely think he just wanted to surprise you to help you feel better in a misguided way. He absolutely should have called ahead of time before just showing up, but I genuinely do not think he meant any harm
  • 35
    Evening Delay_1856 Please stop second guessing yourself. He didn't call you. He should have. You know this. Instead of changing your internal story, leave it. You're making yourself feel worse. Don't let your ex do this.
  • 36
    Arlaneutique I think YOR. You have given him immense mixed signals and it's not fair to him or you. He sounds like he was genuinely interested in making you happy not playing on your vulnerability. Then after continuing to contact him you acted like he was out of line for doing the same. If you really want to be done then be done. Otherwise, don't act like he's the bad guy for doing the same thing you are.

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